A SelfInsert that Wasn't Right
by Random1377
Summary: The best Self Insert EVER! A Must read! Everyone In Character! Action! Romance! Exclaimation points!  Rated R for some bad language.


Disclaimer: My name is Hideki Anno, and I own Evangelion. No, not really… I'm just a fanfiction author that hopes Mister Anno and his associates at Studio Gainax Animation like a good joke and don't feel like suing me for this story. And should they (Anno or Gainax or anyone affiliated with them) request it, I will gladly remove this story from the web. Thank you.

A Self-Insert That Wasn't Right

By Random1377

The Sixth Child stepped off of the train and surveyed his new domain.

"This place isn't so impressive," he said with a grin as he looked over the town of Tokyo-3, "certainly nothing to write home about!"

Home was a small Iowa town in America, a place the handsome, muscular man-child had all but dominated while growing up!

"Can't wait to meet the other Children!" he exclaimed, looking around for his welcoming committee, "And I hope my Unit is delivered ok!"

He smiled as he thought of the black and red Unit 09. Units 06, 07, and 08 had all been unable to handle his _awesome_ %700 sync-ratio!!

"Wonder if the Second Child will want to have sex today… or tomorrow?" he said with a huge grin.

The redheaded Asuka Langley Souryu had fallen head over heels in love with the newest pilot after reading his letter and seeing his picture. And he was sure (based on her jealous comments in the last love-letter she sent to him) that the First Child had seen his picture and wanted him too!

"Plenty of me to go around!" he said with a laugh.

Since he was also endowed with incredible mental powers, NERV was sending all three EVAs to escort him to headquarters, just in case the newest batch of angels got wind of him and decided to attack.

"Not that I couldn't handle them," he smirked, "even without my EVA!"

He had thought briefly that the Third Child might prove to be a hindrance in his quest to bed the Second and First, but after reading his profile, he wasn't concerned.

"He's a wuss!" he muttered, stretching his six-foot tall frame and smiling still wider, "I could kick his ass!!"

And he could! The boy known only as Random was not someone to be toyed with!!! Since his parents were the legendary space bounty-hunter Spike Spiegle and the girl known as Sailor Moon, he had been endowed with incredible mental powers and physical prowess!!

He closed his eyes to concentrate on his Zen meditating skills, calming himself since he was made to wait. As he meditated, he thought, 'First thing I'm gonna do is slap that bitch Gendou! Show him who's running this show!"

A loud tromping sound caused him to open his eyes. "It's about time!" he said disgustedly as the three EVAs came into view. Unit 00 was leading, and had not seen him, as evidenced by the fact that it wasn't slowing, and the fact that it's next step would bring its foot down squarely on him!!

'No problem, I can shield this!' he thought, raising his hand and concentrating his awesome psionic power!!

**

_squish_

"The fuck wazzat?" Rei said, bringing Unit 00 to a halt.

Asuka covered her mouth, giggling like a schoolgirl. "Rei!" she exclaimed, blushing, "Don't curse so much! You're embarrassing me!"

"Shut up, biz-nitch!" Rei retorted, "Don't make me get old skool ruff on your ass, yo! I think dat I juz stepped on sumpin' foul."

"Der," Shinji commented, "wherez tha new kid?"

"Shinji dear," Misato's motherly voice came over the tac-net, "your nose is running again."

"Duh," the dull-witted Third Child replied.

"I hope the new boy likes me," Asuka sighed dreamily, "he's just so… so CUTE!!!"

"True dat," Rei commented, "but you gots to get ta his ass 'fore I do!" she paused, "Now, dude… lets see what that most heinous sound was… then go listen to some Iron Maiden!!"

"Oh Rei!" Asuka giggled as Unit 00 leaned against a building to take its boot off, "You and your cute multiple personalities!"

"Oh dear," Misato said with a sigh as the feed from Unit 00 showed the squashed Sixth Child, "and he had such promise…"

"True dat…" Rei commented, "be a damn shame when a fo' get stomped like that n'shit…"

"Duh," Shinji commented, a line of drool running from his bottom lip.

The three EVAs shrugged and headed home, Unit 00 pausing for a moment to scrape its boot on a building marked Darkscribes Publishing.

The End

Announcer's voice: Instead of Author's notes on this story, we've arranged for a brief Question and Answer time with the author himself! Now without further adieu, Random!

Curtain raises on a small stage, lit by a single spotlight

Asuka Langley Souryu walks up to the microphone on the stage and clears her throat

"Hi there, Ummm… slight change of plans. Random has been… detained for a while, so I'll be answering the questions." She looks around the audience and nods, focussing on a viewer, "Yes, the, uhh… angry looking young man in the back row with the black trenchcoat and sunglasses."

The man steps away from the wall, his hands clenched into tight fists. "Yeah, where the fuck is Random?? I need to 'talk' to him!'

Asuka smiles indulgently, "I'm sure you do… but he's… occupied at the moment. It seems that Wondergirl took offense to his depiction of her in this story, and felt it was necessary to discuss it with him." Her eyes scan the room, "Yes, man in the first row with the… lavender shirt and the… unique fragrance…"

The man stands, pulling out a note pad, "Yes, I really liked this story, will there be a sequel??"

"God, I hope not Ahem, yes, well, I'll be sure to ask Random next time I see him… I also have a few things to discuss with him. In the mean time, sir," her eyes flit to the corners of the room and she nods faintly, "please enjoy our hospitality."

Two Section Two men appear at the man's sides and lead him off for… reeducation.

"Now then," Asuka says brightly to the now-quiet room, "moving on to the next ques-" she is cut of by a high-pitched, very girlish wail of pain. "Damn it Rei!" Asuka yells, glancing, then running off stage, her voice fading as she goes, "Put down that crowbar! It's my turn!!!"

Curtain falls

Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com


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